I have a reputation among my friends and family as being a "big mouth" , a "blabbermouth", and a "busybody", at worst. I have a reputation among many of not being able to keep a secret....and guess what? They would be right. I can't keep secrets, but I can keep a confidense, and to me, there's a big difference between the two.
Here's the thing........
As an adult survivor of abuse/sexual abuse, secrets are the last thing I'm willing to abide in, and it doesn't matter who you are...I won't keep your secret. I can't. I just can't. There are some things that shouldn't be hidden and shouldn't be kept from those you love and care about. There are things that need to come out and be layed on the table so they can be dealt with, and worked out no matter how painful they may be. Lies, secrets and hidden agenda's do not promote change and growth, nor do they advocate wisdom and character.
I hate secrets. I do not especially care for those who keep secrets either. Those who think they're pulling the wool over my eyes, hiding things from me, pretending to be honest and truthful, or telling me half-truths are not high on my list of people I want to share in my life. I don't really care for being fooled, or being made a fool of, especially over things that I could actually give a rat's ass about. I'd rather not be told anything than told a pack of lies or some bullshit story.
I'd rather have the truth each and every time, no matter how painful, than fed lies, half-truths and bullshit. It's not what you've done that will push me away or destroy our relationship....it's the lies you tell me that will end it.
I cannot navigate thru life based on lies, secrets and deception. I cannot help you, I cannot help myself, nor can I make the best possible decision based on dishonesty. It's not reality, and anything less than reality is a waste of time and energy. If a person has only lies and deception to go on when trying to make a judgement or trying to make the best possible decision, it's a given that whatever is decided has been set up to fail right from the start. Failure is the only result when given lies.
Lying to me tells me that you cannot trust me to deal with the truth, you do not respect me enough to give me the truth, and would rather humiliate and belittle me by feeding me a boatload of bullshit and call it the "truth". Lie to me, and you are no longer trustworthy. Lie to me, and you have just broken the most important bond in our relationship. Continue to lie to me and it becomes obvious that we do not even have a relationship because all relationships are built on trust. If I can't trust you...we don't have a relationship, period. It's that simple.
As an adult survivor of sexual abuse/abuse...I refuse to keep anyone's dirty little secrets ever again. I refuse to participate, I refuse to volunteer to be a victim, I refuse to live in the shadow's of someone else's hidden agenda, I refuse to live in darkness ever again.
I refuse to live a life of no substance, and I do not believe that "ignorance is bliss" except to the liar.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Letting go......
I know I have to "let go" and I've always known it. It's just that I didn't expect to have to do it like this, and I really wish things were different. It breaks my heart to know that this entire situation is causing division within our entire family, and that she has to endure alot of flak for her decision to move away. It's not the "letting go" senario I imagined we'd have when it came time to send her out on her own.
I imagine she must feel pretty alone right now, since not too many people have been very supportive of her, or her decision. I imagine she really needs and wants her friends and family to be there for her and to support her, but we haven't been. I suppose it must make her feel sad to know that we're not on her side, and frustrated that she has to fend off our questions, comments, and doubts.
I suppose with all the opposition she's getting from her friends and family over this, those who're encouraging her to move and welcoming this move might seem like the only people she can count on or who cares about her. I guess in some ways, it's probably pushing her towards them even further.
I found out that she plans to move before her 21st birthday, and I'm pissed about this too. I've been thinking about this birthday for quite awhile and trying to figure out what cool thing we could do to celebrate it with her. I've been looking forward to it for along time, and now I find out she won't even be here for it. This just really sucks.
I think what makes alot of this hard to deal with is that it's all happening so "suddenly".....within just a short month or so, I'm expected to just accept her decision to leave. I'm supposed to just accept that she's moving away and that she may never come back. I'm supposed to just accept that I won't see her everyday, or be a part of her life, or talk to her whenever I want, or hang out....or be together for holidays, birthdays or share special occassions. I'm just supposed to accept that she's not going to be part of my life anymore......and as selfish as it sounds, I'm having a hard time dealing with that on such short notice.
Yes, I really wish things were alot different, and that the circumstances regarding such a major change in all our lives were alot happier for all of us. I wish I could be more supportive for her, and feel that letting go was a good thing. I wish I could be happy for her.
I truly do.
I imagine she must feel pretty alone right now, since not too many people have been very supportive of her, or her decision. I imagine she really needs and wants her friends and family to be there for her and to support her, but we haven't been. I suppose it must make her feel sad to know that we're not on her side, and frustrated that she has to fend off our questions, comments, and doubts.
I suppose with all the opposition she's getting from her friends and family over this, those who're encouraging her to move and welcoming this move might seem like the only people she can count on or who cares about her. I guess in some ways, it's probably pushing her towards them even further.
I found out that she plans to move before her 21st birthday, and I'm pissed about this too. I've been thinking about this birthday for quite awhile and trying to figure out what cool thing we could do to celebrate it with her. I've been looking forward to it for along time, and now I find out she won't even be here for it. This just really sucks.
I think what makes alot of this hard to deal with is that it's all happening so "suddenly".....within just a short month or so, I'm expected to just accept her decision to leave. I'm supposed to just accept that she's moving away and that she may never come back. I'm supposed to just accept that I won't see her everyday, or be a part of her life, or talk to her whenever I want, or hang out....or be together for holidays, birthdays or share special occassions. I'm just supposed to accept that she's not going to be part of my life anymore......and as selfish as it sounds, I'm having a hard time dealing with that on such short notice.
Yes, I really wish things were alot different, and that the circumstances regarding such a major change in all our lives were alot happier for all of us. I wish I could be more supportive for her, and feel that letting go was a good thing. I wish I could be happy for her.
I truly do.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Do they change?
Pot use, truancy, vandalism, sneaking out at night, theft, running away, verbal abuse, parental assault, underage drinking, lying, skipping school, bullying, creating family turmoil, disrespect of any and all authority, defiant, problems controlling anger, stalking, control issues, vandalism, theft, arson, underage drinking, property damage, possession of stolen property, organized crime, harassment, emotional abuse, lack of respect for opposite sex, lack of respect for rules/laws, and much more........
Okay, people keep trying to tell me that people change, but do they? I believe some people can, and do, change...but not all people. I also believe that it takes alot for some people to change. I mean really change.
It takes being able to recognize certain issues with oneself, admitting to having these issues, and then doing what's neccesary to effect change. A person has to have the ability to be open and honest with themselves and those around them. A person has to open up to outside help and support when neccesary, and has to take responsibility for their own actions, thinking patterns, and circumstances. If a person really wants to change, no stone will be left un-turned, and all resourses will be considered no matter how difficult or humbling. And most of all, a person will change because they want to change, and want to change for themselves first and foremost. However, this takes time, patience, and perserverance.
So, in considering what people have been telling me about a certain person having changed....grown-up, matured, has a different attitude and perspective, and isn't the same person I used to know...vs...reading this certain persons own words, I call BULLSHIT.
Here's the thing.....I've known this certain person since he was 13-14 years old, and by the time this person became 16 years old, he was already out of control. By the time he turned 18 years old, he was sent to prison, and has been there about 16-18 months. He still has about 7 months left to serve on his sentence before he's released on parole.
I sincerely do not believe he's changed regardless of what others keep telling me. His mother believes he's changed, but she hasn't read the things he writes to my daughter which shows that he's keeping things from her, and isn't being honest with her. My daughter believes he's changed, but has only seen him once in the last 5 years, and really isn't mature enough or experienced enough to make that determination. And at the same time he's keeping things from his mother, he's telling my daughter not to listen to his mother because she doesn't know what she's talking about. He's not being honest with either of them, and is already manipulating them. But, she hears what she wants to hear. Actually, they both do.
And that's what he's counting on.
I'm not saying it's wrong to believe in someone, nor wrong to have hope that he's changed. Nor am I saying there hasn't been any change whatsoever. I'm sure that going to prison does tend to change a person in some ways. But whose to say that whatever change that's taken place is permanent and lasting? Whose to say that whatever change that has taken place is the change required to change ones true self entirely? Whose to say that life afterwards will continue to foster his ability to to make further changes?
Nobody really knows what's going to happen once he's released and begins to rebuild his life. Nobody. Not even him. Right now, he's not in a position to promise anyone anything, or to even state how he's going to "prove" himself to everyone. It's simply unrealistic at this point in time, and what inmate hasn't made claims of changing? Who hasn't stood behind bars and barbed wire and not sworn up and down, on a stack of Bibles, or on their mother/grandmother's grave that they haven't learned the error of their ways? Only to get out and go right back into a life of crime?
It's called recidivism.
Besides, going back to a life of crime and possibly going back to prison is NOT the only problem I'm concerned with when it comes to my daughter and this guy. Sure, he could live a crime-free life for the rest of his life, but this still doesn't mean he's changed. It takes alot more than being locked up to change ones core personality and personal issues....the temper, lack of respect for the opposite sex, verbal/emotional/physical abusive nature, dishonesty, control issues, and things of this nature.
Red flags.
Giant, big-ass red flags flapping in the wind. That's what I see. I'm not blinded or baffled by his brilliance and bullshit, and I don't buy into this miraculous change.
I don't see it, no matter how hard I try....with or without the sunglasses.
Okay, people keep trying to tell me that people change, but do they? I believe some people can, and do, change...but not all people. I also believe that it takes alot for some people to change. I mean really change.
It takes being able to recognize certain issues with oneself, admitting to having these issues, and then doing what's neccesary to effect change. A person has to have the ability to be open and honest with themselves and those around them. A person has to open up to outside help and support when neccesary, and has to take responsibility for their own actions, thinking patterns, and circumstances. If a person really wants to change, no stone will be left un-turned, and all resourses will be considered no matter how difficult or humbling. And most of all, a person will change because they want to change, and want to change for themselves first and foremost. However, this takes time, patience, and perserverance.
So, in considering what people have been telling me about a certain person having changed....grown-up, matured, has a different attitude and perspective, and isn't the same person I used to know...vs...reading this certain persons own words, I call BULLSHIT.
Here's the thing.....I've known this certain person since he was 13-14 years old, and by the time this person became 16 years old, he was already out of control. By the time he turned 18 years old, he was sent to prison, and has been there about 16-18 months. He still has about 7 months left to serve on his sentence before he's released on parole.
I sincerely do not believe he's changed regardless of what others keep telling me. His mother believes he's changed, but she hasn't read the things he writes to my daughter which shows that he's keeping things from her, and isn't being honest with her. My daughter believes he's changed, but has only seen him once in the last 5 years, and really isn't mature enough or experienced enough to make that determination. And at the same time he's keeping things from his mother, he's telling my daughter not to listen to his mother because she doesn't know what she's talking about. He's not being honest with either of them, and is already manipulating them. But, she hears what she wants to hear. Actually, they both do.
And that's what he's counting on.
I'm not saying it's wrong to believe in someone, nor wrong to have hope that he's changed. Nor am I saying there hasn't been any change whatsoever. I'm sure that going to prison does tend to change a person in some ways. But whose to say that whatever change that's taken place is permanent and lasting? Whose to say that whatever change that has taken place is the change required to change ones true self entirely? Whose to say that life afterwards will continue to foster his ability to to make further changes?
Nobody really knows what's going to happen once he's released and begins to rebuild his life. Nobody. Not even him. Right now, he's not in a position to promise anyone anything, or to even state how he's going to "prove" himself to everyone. It's simply unrealistic at this point in time, and what inmate hasn't made claims of changing? Who hasn't stood behind bars and barbed wire and not sworn up and down, on a stack of Bibles, or on their mother/grandmother's grave that they haven't learned the error of their ways? Only to get out and go right back into a life of crime?
It's called recidivism.
Besides, going back to a life of crime and possibly going back to prison is NOT the only problem I'm concerned with when it comes to my daughter and this guy. Sure, he could live a crime-free life for the rest of his life, but this still doesn't mean he's changed. It takes alot more than being locked up to change ones core personality and personal issues....the temper, lack of respect for the opposite sex, verbal/emotional/physical abusive nature, dishonesty, control issues, and things of this nature.
Red flags.
Giant, big-ass red flags flapping in the wind. That's what I see. I'm not blinded or baffled by his brilliance and bullshit, and I don't buy into this miraculous change.
I don't see it, no matter how hard I try....with or without the sunglasses.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
So angry, I could spit.......
How do you tell someone that you love with all your heart that's she's about to make "the" biggest mistake of her life, but without pushing her towards that mistake even further?
Yeah, I know, I know. When it comes to our so-called adult children, there's not much a parent can do except sit back and watch them make these mistakes in grandiose fashion. You wouldn't be the first person to tell me lately that there's nothing I can do about it.
But, I want someone out there to tell me it's okay to tie my daughter to the bumber of my car and let me drag her ass up and down the block until she gets a freakin' clue that she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life.
Un-freakin-believable!!!!!
Yeah, I know, I know. When it comes to our so-called adult children, there's not much a parent can do except sit back and watch them make these mistakes in grandiose fashion. You wouldn't be the first person to tell me lately that there's nothing I can do about it.
But, I want someone out there to tell me it's okay to tie my daughter to the bumber of my car and let me drag her ass up and down the block until she gets a freakin' clue that she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life.
Un-freakin-believable!!!!!
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